Oct. 18 2009

So I guess I've been avoiding this entry for a while, avoiding everything, my emotions, thoughts, and stress. I didn't want to face it, deal with it, make it go away. It seem easier just to linger in clutter, mess. But in the end, my heart still remains heavy, my head flashbacks, words, actions, and stress. Everything seem to be going a mile per minute, and honestly I don't know what to do, and what to say. Most of all, I'm back to the place where I'm most afraid of, reaching out to someone, and allowing them to see the most vulnerable and scared part of me

First off, this quarter hasn't been the easiest for me. It's barely week 5 and I feel like my world is spinning in a million circles per minute. Not only did I start off the school year with work, and didn't get to completely relax and be ahead for the school year, I had to get my heart broken and most of all lose a friend. I thought she was a good and fun friend. We were almost inseparable. I thought for once, I finally found a friend who is always there and that would be down to do anything and everything. For once, a friend that was always ready, a friend who didn't seem so hard to reach, moved on, or busy with their own lives. It felt good. At the same time, it felt good to finally crush again, to feel worthy of being like, and worthy of finding a guy. I thought he could be the one, the one I open up to, face my fears, and spend my days with. I was wrong. For the two weeks or so of happiness, turned into emptiness, and questions. It felt like a dream come true, but looking back I realize this guy wasn't the guy for me from the start. I know I had my own issues, but we were both playing games, and in the end I realize he may just not be that into me, and we weren't meant to be. But this made me sad. Despite everything I knew, all the advice I was given, I couldn't and still can't get over it. To finally allow my heart to love and get crush again. If this happen every time when will I able to experience love, have a friend or companion I can cry to, or a constant reassurance of a friend, love, or ears. I felt so lost. His actions, his words, didn't add up to our ending, our falling apart. I didn't understand what went wrong, and I felt like I never will. In spite of all this, my one friend decides to do manipulative things with this guy I was interested in, knowingly or not, her actions spoke so much louder than her words. I never thought, any of my friend would treat me this way or do such hurtful things. I never thought that there were such people in this world. Naive as I am, I always believe in being nice to others, but in the end I found it to be misleading, because nice people will always be used, manipulated, and left in the end. All of this just hurts, and even to this I thought I was fine, but in reality I'm not. I'm afraid, I will never get over this. I'm scared. I felt angry at her, angry at myself for not being able to tell her how I truly feel, angry for even trying to allow her to be my friend again, angry that people don't see who she really is. Her words, her actions tricked me into believing that she would change, she was oblivious and we might actually be friends again but I could only go so far. Her tactics, her actions and ways showed me another side of her. But this is good, for once in my life I had more than enough reasons to let go of this friend. But it still isn't easy. I would be crushed from she and the guy do end up together. Who wouldn't? But honestly, there's nothing I can do. I can watch, hope and pray for this not to happen, for a miracle that we would reconnect, but I know in the end I'm only fooling myself.

Despite this constant battle, I keep thinking about my friends. My close friends, and letting go of the people I don't need. It's so much easier said than done. I thought I could do, but in the end it felt so hard. Not being friends with people you once shared memory with, people you thought cared enough for you only to find out different in the end. I cut these ties, but if this really what I want? I thought I would be happier, but in the end I find the people who are my "true" friends to be busy, and different. I feel so tired, tired of constant fighting this battle, constantly thinking of who my real friends are, and who I can trust. I wish I was stronger. I really do. I feel so weak, sad, and unable to find a close companion, that I could open my heart to. I feel alone, left, abandoned. Needless to say, I know I have a good amount of good friends, but I can't fight the feeling of being alone at the end of the day no matter what happens. I feel so sad, and lost with what to do. What do I do with these friends? Why do I feel like this? The circle, group, or fraternity I thought I was once happy to let go, is moving on without me. And I feel like a lost girl looking in. I wanted to be more matured, happy, and responsible but I feel like its not the person that I am. I need stablity, I need hope.

 I thought that pushing all these emotions would be easier then actually dealing with it. But my head won't let me stop. Flashes, words would bring me back to the place I tried to escape. Sometimes, it brings me ease, sometimes I feel so flustered. I feel so lost. I thought the pushing everything including the most important thing such as time, and career aside would allow me to make the right decisions, but who am I kidding. The most I push, the more afraid I get. I feel so unstable, unaware or what my future going to be. And the fact of actually sitting down dealing with my emotions, and responsibilities petrifies me. At the same time, my head won't let me stop. It would let me take a breather, or relax. My only escape is sleep, and even then it wouldn't last. I feel like the weight of the world if on my shoulder. I'm taking on way to much, I want to do it all. I want to chose the best and only best option for me, and in the end I just push it aside hoping for the puzzles just to fall in place. I feel so unstable, lost, and alone. And for once, I want to cry. I feel like the normal goofy girl is gone. I didn't realize that I've been hiding from my true self, and instead be on constant alert, criticizing everything and everyone around me. It's the only way I know how, how to deal with it all.

August 29, 2009

Its only of those dreams, I never want to wake up from. The dream when I'm in the arms of the one I love and the one that loves me. At eased, comforted, and happy. We shared our memories, dreams, and laugher, but somehow I never get to continue these dreams, and wake from reality. I forced myself and hope that I can go back to this dream, but the cruel reality disapproved. It's all fake. It's a lie. The dream I want to dive back into, will only allow me to live in the pretend. Still, I pray for 15, 10 or even 5 more minutes of that feeling, because in the end this dream only leaves me more empty, sadden, and alone. I'm yearning for a heartbreak, I'm yearning for pain, a feeling so that I can feel something real.

I want to find love.